Don't Lower Your Expectations, Raise Your Acceptance!

Last night I facilitated a training for parents of preschoolers. The title, Juggling the Baby, the Brisket and the Boss, wasn't my idea, but it made for some great conversation nonetheless. Stressed parents came to the session hoping to learn how to be better and do more in what little time they had.

Here are a few of the points of discussion from last night's session.

Our stress as parents seems to stem from wanting what is best for our children, but  not exactly knowing how to do that. We listen to so many people yet have forgotten to listen to ourselves. Our children need time simply to be near, touch, or talk to us. Nothing fancy, just time. So why do we have them scheduled for back to back classes AFTER school?

In 25 years, many of our children will be working in jobs and in fields that have not yet been created. How do we prepare them for that?

When our babies were born, we were utterly head over heels in love with them. Nothing in the world could compare to that angel. Then, at one point we brought our son or daughter to a mommy and me group, and looked around at other 15-18 month olds who, all of a sudden appeared cuter, smarter and more talented than our little angel. When you start to compare your child to others, what happens to your perception of them? How does that perception affect your  parenting style? You are your child's mirror. What does he see now, on the ride home from mommy and me, that he didn't see earlier?

I think that sometimes the role of the preschool teacher is to help parents fall in love with their children again.

The 2 year old girl who lines up each raisin from the box before she eats it is having a great time on her own. Yet, why do so many parents feel compelled to stop her?  Is it because she is doing something quirky, something their friend's daughter never did, and they are embarrassed? Or is it becasue they are in a rush to get her to ballet class? Take a moment and watch her. She's happy. She's engaged. She's playing beautifully on her own. She's THINKING! Why stop her?

A parent shared that her 3 year old son doesn't listen to her. I asked her what she was asking of him. "Usual stuff", she said.  "Things like 'Show Bubbie what you learned in school, come count to 5 for Aunt Susie, show everyone what you did in art.'' I gave her a smile and told her that her shy son wasn't being rude, he was being honest. By "not listening" he was actually telling his mother something. Maybe she wasn't listening to him either. I asked her to think about what he loves to do. What makes him happy? How might she let him share that?

How cool would it be if we could just accept are children for who they are and what they love to do?  Is it possible to allow them to be honest versions of themselves? When you see that your 5 year old loves to dance and sing, do you lament that she wants to be the center of attention, or do you choose to celebrate that she has negotiated a way to communicate that suits her?  Build her a stage, make some popcorn, and let the show begin!

Well meaning parents and teachers are "pre-diagnosing" children as having ADD or ADHD because the children can't seem to pay attention in school. Why are these children unable to pay attention? For the most part, they are bored. No one is giving your 5 year old dancer the chance to move while she is learning. She's being told to sit and listen and focus. Children who are bored may feel stress because they what they really want to do is use their brains and participate. They will try anything to stimulate their minds. They might jump up impulsively in circle time or hit their friend over the head. To them, it's a call for help. Is that how the teacher sees it too?

(BTW, I just heard an interview with Natalie Portman who said all she wanted to do since she was a young child was act and perform and be the center of attention. Hmmm...your child could be onto something!)


How closely does your school match your child's interests and talents?

The Tiger Mother in Me

Amy Chua, author of Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother, made headlines last week while promoting her style of parenting with an iron fist. Kudos to her for bringing attention to parenting issues, right or wrong.  Kudos to her for her marketing genius.  She'll sell more books than legos has blocks. My only hope is that parents don't see this as a "how to" guide, rather, they use it to generate their own ideas on what they will and will not do. 

All this attention got me thinking.  Was I a Tiger Mother?  Hardly. I was more like Crouching Kitty Hidden Puppy. You boys wanna turn the living room into a tent city? The sheets are in the closet. Looking to tie up your brother in preparation for a Houdini escape?  Here's some more rope. Don't wanna do your homework?  Frankly I don't blame you.  But I'll sit with you and keep you company if it helps.

When the boys were little, we were told they would grow to be at least 6'3". When I realized what that meant, I panicked for a moment. How was I going to raise these boys when I would have to stand on a chair just to see eye-to-eye? What if I sent them to their rooms and they decided to kill me instead? 
That's when we decided to focus on raising boys who were socially and emotionally competant, who were comfortable with who they were, and who would use their talents to contribute to society. 

My claws came out, don't get me wrong.  I think I even roared a few times.  But I didn't do so when when they were being themselves, I did it when they appeared to give up being themselves.  Now, at 6'5 and 6'3 respectively, Dan and Nick seem pretty comfortable in their skin, and, from what I know, have never contemplated assassination.

So far so good.

Now is the Time to Prepare Your Preschooler for College!

Ok, parents.  Here is the advice you have been waiting for.  The husband and wife team of Nicholas and Erika Christakis work with the students of a residential hall at Harvard College.  Erika is a former preschool director who is currently an ECE teacher, and Nicholas is a professor of medicine and sociology at Harvard.  Together they share their rationale of learning through play.

Advice from Harvard

Simon Says PLAY!

  From The New York Times last week:

"For several years, studies and statistics have been mounting that suggest the culture of play in the United States is vanishing. Children spend far too much time in front of a screen, educators and parents lament - 7 hours 38 minutes a day on average, according to a survey by the Kaiser Family Foundation last year....Children learn to control their impulses through games like Simon Says, play advocates believe, and they learn to solve problems, negotiate, think creatively and work as a team when they dig together in a sandbox or build a fort with sofa cushions".

Play is making a comeback.  New initiatives are heading your way.  Take a moment to read this article, then go have some fun with your kids!

http://www.nytimes.com/2011/01/06/garden/06play.html?_r=1&scp=1&sq=children%20and%20play&st=cse