Box of Gems

There are times in one's career when the planets align and the universe is in your corner.  Something happens that makes it all come together.  Years of work bring you one precious gift, all wrapped up in pretty paper and adorned with a bow.  (How this may look in your world is going to be different than in mine.)  Today I received my gift.

Today was the last of a 4 day intensive Summer Institute for MSDE.  I was teaching a course on Successful Classroom Management.  This has been a subject near and dear to my heart from the beginning of my profession. I don't want to bore you with the syllabus, just know that this course covers brain development, how children learn, intrinsic and external motivation, etc, etc.  22 participants were in this class.  Mostly teachers of 2-8 year olds, a few who worked with children with special needs/rights, a few administrators and two music teachers.  We also had a 9th grade teacher, who told us he joined the class so he could learn more about parenting his young sons.

Yesterday I asked the group to think about a child/situation/challenge from the recent past that they can share with a partner today.  Together we would look at the 6 steps to problem solving, and determine what we might be able to try next time we were faced with similar challenges.

My angel, the woman who delivered the gift, is a generous and kind teacher of two year olds.  She has taught other ages in the past, but the story she brought to us was about a little two year old boy.  She began her story by saying "I didn't do any of the things you told us, and I know that now."  For the next 15  minutes, we all watched, laughed. cried, and every head in the room was nodding in agreement, shock and embarrassment. There were so many learning opportunities in this, there is no way to share it all in one post.  Tonight  you get part one.

This rendition won't come close to the experience she gave us, but I'll give it my best.

(I am now speaking in her voice, changing names and some of the details to protect all of us!  My comments are in bold)

Little Joey came over to me, crying, saying, "Billy took my cow."  I looked over, and on the other side of the room. (it was a small room), I saw Billy with the cow.  I called over to him, "Billy, come here.  I did that three times. Come here.  I was very firm (shows us her firm face), but he didn't budge.  He stayed over there.  So I called "give him back his cow."  Billy said "No" and looked away.  You know that look?  How they turn their head so they don't have to look at you?  So  I got up and walked over there and forcibly took that cow out of his hand.  (she shows us and we hear her mumble "give me that cow.") So then I say "It's my cow now" and I put it on a shelf high above them. I say, "you can't have it back until you say you're sorry." 

Yep.  that's how it went down.  Perfection for a trainer focused on creating change.  This woman shared a story that every teacher or  parent has gone through, in one way or another, over the course of their caregiving years.  Let's point out some lessons here.  I need to share that this teacher gave me permission to blog this.  

1. Little Joey came over to me, crying, saying, "Billy took my cow."
2. I looked over, and on the other side of the room. (it was a small room), I saw Billy with the cow.
3. I called over to him, "Billy, come here.  I did that three times. Come here.  I was very firm (shows us her firm face), but he didn't budge.  He stayed over there.
4. So I called "give him back his cow."  Billy said "No" and looked away.  You know that look?  How they turn their head so they don't have to look at you?
5. So  I got up and walked over there and forcibly took that cow out of his hand.  (she shows us and we hear her mumble "give me that cow.")
6. So then I say "It's my cow now" and I put it on a shelf high above them.
7.  Then I say, "you can't have it back until you say you're sorry."

1. At this point,  I would ask for clarification of his feelings and expectations.  "You seem angry. Is that true? What would you like to have happen?" 

2.You saw Billy with the cow.  Does that mean he took it?  How do you know?  Could he have had it first, only to have little Joey yank it out of his hand, so he took it back?  A "what happened?" moment, giving each child a chance to share might have nipped the rest of this in the bud.

3. Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. ~Albert Einstein What messages are you sending by summoning Billy?  Would you come over if someone was yelling at you, even if you were wrong?  What if you had not done anything wrong?  How would this summons make you feel then?  We know this was not a gentle coaxing.  It did not suggest that problem solving opportunities were on there way.  It was scary to a two year old.  Perhaps a simple walk over towards Billy might help him meet you half way.

4. This passage falls under the category called "Stop putting adult motivation behind children's behaviors."  Yes, he turned away from you. But do we really know why?  He may not have wanted to look at you because you were yelling at him.  If that is the case, is that bad?  Some might consider that a coping mechanism. Remember that children are capable of working out problems if given the tools in a supportive manner.  (I'm letting the first sentence go by the wayside, even though we still do not know if that cow is really little Joey's.)

5. I think it was here that I just couldn't contain myself.  This teacher was frustrated from the get-go because she, like so many others, don't believe that children are able to solve their own problems.  She doesn't (let's change that to didn't, because now I think she's catching on), she didn't believe that by giving the children opportunity to have control over their environment you are actually helping them learn self control. All the techniques in the world mean nothing if we don't have an understanding of the capacity of young children to receive, process and retain information.

6. Bye bye cow?  Why now, my cow?  This reminds me of the teachers who close housekeeping "because the children don't know how to play respectfully in there."  It's one of those illogical traditions.  Makes absolutely no sense but we've all done that in the past.  Let them have the cow back.  Have the conflict.  Embrace it. That's how we are going to learn.  

7.  Saying "I'm sorry" is an odd duck in the pond of teaching social skills.  Saying "I'm sorry" generally implies that you are, for one, sorry that you did something.  Feeling sorry requires empathy and understanding.  Young children are not masters of empathy because some of the wiring for this doesn't even begin to spark  until a child is close to 2 years old.  Saying 'I'm sorry" implies that you are going to try your hardest to NOT repeat the action.  Young children are going to continue to repeat the action until you or some other supportive adult teaches them some skills on dealing with their feelings.  So really, with this under 6 set, asking a child to apologize could conceivably be setting them up to lie or fail.    How many times do we see a child apologize as his leg is kicking his friend?  Why do we worry about the apology at such a young age?  Let's put that, along with letter of the week and show and tell, on the back bnurner for a few years and try that again when they are 6. Or 7.  Or how about let's wait until the are ready.

For this course we used insights from several wonderful books:




Beyond Behavior Management by Jenna Bilmes     Love this book!
You Cant Come to my Birthday Party by Betsy Evans  Great resource!
Guiding Young Children's Behavior  by Elenor Reynolds Problem Solving
Developmentally Appropriate Practice, published by NAEYC   DAP